annoying people of Brooklyn

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First came news from my fave NYC newlywed journo Matt Chabon that insanely annoying OJ Simpson-loving and torture-defending attorney Alan Whatshisname Dershowitz hates the Food Coop like poison and is planning on boycotting.

And yesterday, also via the Observer, a late-breaking boycott promise from NY Post columnist Andrea Peyser, possibly the most godawful resident in all of Brooklyn (and that’s saying something). How could I have forgotten to have include her in my list of Brooklyn’s 100 Most Embarrassing Residents, btw???

Thank you, haters of Israeli products (whatever they may actually be: dead sea facial cleanser and body wash?)!

Of course, the empty threat to sue Barney’s Co-op for coopting the “coop” name still takes top prize for dumbest never-gonna-happen non-event at the Food Coop but this whole Humbugs for Hummus deal is a definite runner up… Does the Food Coop even carry any Israeli products? I thought all hummus came from Queens.

As I reported months ago, “Israel lovers are banding together in defense of this proverbial assassination attempt on the Jewish state by evil, anti-semitic lefties. We need to help them come up with a better name for their organization than the current “More Hummus Please.” Folks, help out your Zionist neighbors here.”

But whatever you think, you’ve got to admit that this proposed boycott is AWESOME!

I will never have to worry about being checked out by Andrea Peyser or Alan Dershowitz. I may actually make it through a shift in peace if this keeps up!

And there’s always the possibility of a live hummus-wrestling event between outraged Zionists and self-righteous lefties. That’s enough to make my day right there!

 

I must admit: I’m sad this morning. I hadn’t even gotten around to officially joining Neighbors For Better Neighbors.

Yes, last night came the tweets: a judge in Brooklyn threw out the completely moronic lawsuit aimed at ridding Prospect Park West of its evil bike lane.

Seniors for Safety will just have to find some other dumb-ass thing to fight against. Rage against the machine, old farts. As it turns out, my 13-year-old is with you.

When I told him the news of the lawsuit’s dismissal this morning, he was outraged. Who knew? My kid is a closet bike lane opponent.

“I’m sorry, mom, but that bike lane is stupid. No one even uses it. And you have the park two feet away. It just makes it harder for Daddy and me to get where we need to go.”

Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Was Park Slope parenting as bad before the days of 24 hour iPhone surveillance and guerrilla reporting? Judging from the entitled nature of some of the patchouli-loving old-timers I know, I’m guessing yes.

Be that as it may, man, do we suck sometimes!

Over the weekend, news broke out on Twitter (fine, one guy’s twitter feed) of a massive hissy fit going down at the Park Slope McDonald’s.

As near as I can tell, a Park Slope mom demanded her right to buy a Happy Meal smurf toy minus the Happy Meal. When the cashier kid said they couldn’t sell it alone, the mom started shrieking, “It’s the LAW. You’ve got to sell it to me separately.”

I guess the broad balked at shelling out $3.99 for a plastic toy but, really, McDonald’s fries are better than any other fries so it wouldn’t have been a total loss.

@EvilPRGuy (geek, atheist and vegetarian pizza junkie) witnessed said meltdown with a malfunctioning Crackberry so, alas, there’s no video but I gather it went on for a while with threats of legal action and general cranky-assed bad behavior.

Some of the highlights:

“The lady is pushing her kid in a 2k dollar stroller, abusing minimum wage employees, writing down their names, threatening to get them fired.”

and

“She was self righteous about “The Law” so her kid could have one, but not the kid making Smurf toys in a sweatshop.”

Sigh.

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What the f*ck is wrong with The New York Times lately? (And by lately, I mean for the last dozen years or so.) It’s like a Pregnant in Heels episode when it comes to its coverage of the modern family.

Uh, I don’t know if you excruciatingly homogeneous arteesinal cheese and Brooklyn-loving Times reporters have noticed but a lot of your readers can’t afford a summer vacay (maybe even rent) and you are starting to piss off even volvo-driving quiche-eaters with this shit.

In the last two months, The Times has served up an insufficiently ironic serving of American parenting coverage, including but not limited to:

What happened to covering the WHOLE gamut of families: not just the outer edges?How about the dwindling MIDDLE-CLASS? It’s either families living under bridges (and not enough of those) or the gilded lives of oil barons and defense systems manufacturers.

I’m telling you this for your own good. Your style and house and home sections SUCK because you still take yourselves as seriously as in straight news and you shouldn’t. Look to Gothamist as your guide (I know you do!). You need an injection of levity. Try cultivating the ability to laugh at yourselves lest you become a laughing stock. Try a tongue in the cheek instead of bone dry reportage. It demeans all the actual great, real news reporting you do do, New York Times.

I tried to get the few Times reporters I know to weigh in but they’re too busy on our Brooklyn Prospect listserv debating our middle school’s new uniform policy and what footwear is permissible.

I’m about ready to pull out a pitchfork and shove it up your arses at the next opportunity: which could be either school drop-off, Starbucks, or the next PTA meeting because, yes, you ALL live in Brownstone Brooklyn.

I was willing to forgive and forget the Judy Miller debacle but I don’t know if I can forgive you this.

Inevitably when my love of Park Slope is at its lowest ebb, when I’m hanging in my hammock upstate contemplating a permanent sabbatical in Europe or Seattle, something always seems to happen to renew my dwindling affections.

Today it was the news of the formation of two new Park Slope groups: Neighbors for Better Neighbors and Seniors for Civility (alter-egos of Neighbors for Better Bike Lanes and Seniors for Safety).

In the saga that is the Prospect Park West bike lane lawsuit, city lawyers have gone to court seeking a temporary restraining order against the plaintiffs for trying to subpoena so very, very many people.

And then the new groups, formed by a Rockefeller University lab administrator/jazz musician and friends to combat the bike lane opponents’ “metastasizing law suit.”

I don’t really care where you go from here. You ROCK civil-minded old farts and civic-minded neighborly types! I love you; maybe even lurve you.

And frankly, after a summer upstate in Park Slope North debating dog leash laws and pool laws and deck laws and when you can bounce a basketball laws and lawn mowing laws, I’m almost looking forward to returning to Park Slope proper come Labor Day (but not a MINUTE before).

The truth is that neighbors suck and/or surpass expectations everywhere. Upstate, the local town board is rezoning to welcome fracking at literally the same meeting they proudly banned smoking within fifty feet of the new town hall. But, then there was the awesome local woman who pointed out the irony. Yin/yang, you know.

Happy Independence Day!

Last week, Gothamist came out with its colossal “listicle” of 100 Reasons Why Brooklyn Lives Up To Its Hype. Can’t wait for Queens, btw!

I was inspired and awed. So inspired that I decided to do a Brooklyn 100 of my own.

First I was just going to do famous assholes in honor of learning that Lloyd Blankfein of Goldman Sachs was a Brooklyn boy. But that wasn’t going to get me to 100. Not that we’re not at capacity but better to go for a bigger catch all: cringe-inducing, wise-assy, know-it-all-ish, over-compensating, pseudo-intellectual, criminal, schmucky, and/or just plain annoying. Essentially: a list of one hundred people past and present who make Brooklyn so very Brooklyn.

Listicle makes me think of testicle, by the way. While I am a fan of both lists and family jewels, I don’t think I can ever say or write this word again. It’s just not right.

AJ Benza Gossip columnist, TV poker player, and Celebrity Fit contestant. Enough said.
Al Capone Mafiosi who liked beating people’s heads in with bats (according to Kevin Costner). Lived on Garfield Place as a kid.
Al Sharpton Two words: Tawana Brawley. Brownsville boy.
Alan Dershowitz Is this man the most annoying lawyer on the planet? I think maybe so and that’s some stiff competition. A defender of torture and OJ Simpson. Grew up in Borough Park.
Alfonso Mendez 81st Precinct Brooklyn cop who let a girl die of asthma attack while he gave her frantic parents shit as they were trying to get her to the nearest ER.

Andrea Dworkin Rad feminist and longtime Park Slope ressie. Proponent of  overalls and the popular idea that all sex is rape.
Andrew Dice Clay His wikipedia bio says this: “He is loved by some and reviled by others, who feel that his act is crude, misogynistic, racist, homophobic and degrading.” Also, not funny. Born in Brownsville.
Anthony Weiner Park Slope’s own weenie  is finally heading off to rehab for sext/self addiction therapy after resigning from the House of Reps. Nobody’s quite sure for what but it’s going to be “intense,” per a former colleague.

Barbra Streisand Narcissistic songstress and renowned pain in the ass.
Barry Manilow Tacky, schmaltzy singer-songwriter from Williamsburg. ‘A friend who had been prevailed upon to go to a John Tesh concert, came out of it saying, “I owe Barry Manilow an apology.”‘
Bitchy Mom “obvsies, totes, bitchez, probs, whatevs, shit-ay, preggers, resto (restaurant or rest of, depending), baber, bebe, bay-bay, Halloweenzies, oopsies, strollz (stroller)”
Bob Guccione Porn publishing potentate and neck in neck with Liberaci for tackiest dresser ever. Born in Brooklyn but raised in Jersey.
Bobby Fischer Weird and anti-semitic, stateless, world-traveling chess champion. Peaked too early; ended up in Iceland. Also, he was Jewish so he hated himself.

Boss Tweed Tammany Hall crooked pol now spending eternity in Green-Wood Heights.
Bruce Ratner Shitty real estate destroyer of Brooklyn neighborhoods. Maybe used to live here, maybe not.
Boys with Ironic Mustaches “If it’s not sincere, it’s bullshit. Look at Tom Selleck. John Oates. If you can’t man up and take your face bush seriously, you don’t deserve one.” Una LaMarche
Carl Kruger Hypocritical, outed and thieving State Senator for old-school Brooklyn accused of bribery and money-laundering.
Charles Hynes Schmuckiest District Attorney in NYC. Likes to throw the book at people he shouldn’t while letting truly guilty people off.
Charismatic Kid Children’s Life Coach/Manny. Based… where else? Park Slope.
Colin Quinn Per Urban Dictionary: “Douche Bag who won’t shut up.”


Constantine Maroulis American Idol also-ran and won’t go away. Looks like he should be doing the touring show for This Is Spinal Tap.
Rabbi Baruch Lebovits Convicted child molester and bad driver.
Courtney of Fabulous in Park Slope
David Berkowitz Son of Sam. Born in BK.
David Blaine Conceited and gimmicky magician and show off. I bet he has a small peen. Lived in Brooklyn until he was ten.
David Paterson Crappiest and most annoying New York Governor EVER. A Bed-Stuy boy.
Debbie Gibson Do I have to give a reason?

diSanto Famous singer I’ve never heard of, his online bio at iamdisanto.com reads: “He walks into the room and all eyes are on him. Everyone wants to know who he is… diSanto is obviously aware that he is the center of attention but he remains still, full of confidence, self- assured. He knows that by doing nothing he is giving a lot.”
Dorothy Nash and aspiring socialite daughters Rachel and Esther Park Slope’s own cast of Grey Gardens.

Dr. Boris Sachakov Founding MD at Brooklyn’s Proctology Clinic.
Dr. Laura (Schlessinger) Moralizing and deeply unpleasant know-it-all radio host and marriage and family counselor.
Edward Leary Park Slope coop board president and failed subway bomber.
Erich Segal Author of cheesiest romance novel written by a dude ever, Love Story.
Fabian Henderson Threw his dog Oreo off a six-story roof for the fun of it.

Foxy Brown Prospect Heights neighbor from hell and rapper of such timeless classics as I Taste Just Like Candy, Touch Me, Tease Me and I’ll Be Dirty.
Francisco Resondo His headline: Brooklyn Man Arrested For Driving A Golf Cart Down State Highway Drunk.
Gene Simmons Long-tongued, over-compensating, over the hill rock legend and giver of the best bad interview in modern times. Both Israeli and Brooklyn bred: a double infusion of chutzpah. And holy fuck, his real name is Chaim Witz. Ha!
Geraldo Rivera AKA Jerry Rivers of Brooklyn. Come on. This is just a pile-on.
Hedge Funders and Nouveau Richy Bankers Our recent immigrants from Wall Streetistan.

Hipsters of Williamsburg “Quite possibly the most annoying group of people ever in the history of the world.” Urban Dictionary
Howard Cosell I love him in retrospect.
ImjustbetterthanyouDedicated F’d in Park Slope commenter. His many, many opinions are here.
Jennifer McMillen Prime 6 petitioner and hater of hip hop bar music.
Joan Rivers Voted the second most annoying TV personality just behind Bill O’Reilly.
Joe Capp Brooklyn’s own UFO tracker.
Johanna Clearfield urban animal liberation front activist AKA crazy dog lady of Long Meadow and crazy pigeon lady of Park Slope.
John Gotti Noted douchebag mafioso and murderer

Jonathan Safran Foer Boy wunderkind member of the Brooklyn literati should be barred from public speaking ever again, for his own good.
“Josh Anthony” Derivatives trader and trustee of his local “civic council.” Earned himself a place in the pantheon of crappiest clients ever by placing this casting call on the same day he called the police and falsely accused his design+builder of felony burglary for “stealing” his own tools off their ongoing project. Case dismissed and sealed but, hey, if you’re looking to make a little summer cash, drop Josh a line. Don’t forget to send a complete resume and full body shot.


Joshua Guttman NewYorkShitty developer and the reason why there are signs like this in Greenpoint.
Judge Judy (Sheindlin) This one is self evident, right?
Kayla Henriques Stabbed brother’s girlfriend to death over Facebook feud and a twenty buck unpaid debt.
Kenneth Moreno Rape Cop.”
Kenneth Moreno’s wife Next time: duct tape.

Kim Kardashian. She doesn’t live here yet but she might.
Ladies Ancient Order of Hibernians of Kings County Organizers of the Brooklyn St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Let the Irish gay boys and girls march!
Larry Fox Disgruntled delivery boy who feels entitled to bigger tips. Try waiting tables, dude.
Leona Helmsley Ugh, really? Mean and criminal hotel lady.
Lloyd Blankfein The guy who shorted the whole world economy for financial gain.
Lucille Roberts Spandexed health club mogul who wouldn’t let you give up on exercise. Literally.


Mark Green Losingest politician in recent NYC history; known but not loved for his abrasive personality.
Marty Markowitz Can’t wait for the mayoral campaign! Go Marty! Away.
Matt Lewis Park Slope’s own armageddonist and local rapture expert. Still here and pissed.


Messiahsez. Actually, I love EVERYTHING about this guy. His bike lane rant makes me laugh so hard I cry every time.
Michael Halkias Grand Prospect Hall owner. Wants to make South Slope’s dreams come true with an ugly-ass hotel. Or else.

Mike Tyson Brawler and the man who subjected us to Robin Givens.
Mitch Glaser Jew for Jesus and Founder of Chosen People Ministries. Former longtime next door neighbor to local reform Rabbi. Oy.
Morgan Spurlock Put some clothes on, for god’s sake. And shave that stache before I hunt you down and do it for you.
My neighbor Julie
My friend’s neighbor “Antoinette” Stoop mafia donna. Sits out front in her lawn chair all day looking for a scandal. Makes other lawn-chair-loving old-schoolers look bad.

Nancy McDermott Self-appointed parenting guru of Park Slope Parents listserv; soon to be leaving our great city for points upstate. Her Bon Voyage.
Neil Diamond See Barry Manilow.
Neil Sedaka See Neil Diamond.

New Parents Especially in Park Slope and Billyburg.
Nicholas DiMarzio Bishop of Brooklyn and gay nups basher. Fine with child sexual abuse.
Norm Coleman Ethically-challenged former Republican Senator from Minnesota.

Norman Mailer Second only to Gene Simmons for most infuriating interview subject of modern times (the good stuff starts at 2:30). Sensing a trend here: combative, bombastic, intellectually superior.

Norman Steisel Founder of Neighbors for Better Bike Lanes and noted local John. Once arrested for offering an undercover cop fifteen bucks to give him a blow job.
Paul LaRosa Huffy Poster who posed the question of the year, Is Brooklyn the New Paris?
Phil Rizzuto In 3, 2, 1: The Money Store.
Philip Barry Bay Ridge’s Bernie Madoff. Strictly second-string.
Providence Hogan PS 29 PTA Treasurer who stole $100,000 from the school coffers to pay for fertility treatments.
Robert Scarano Architect banned from building in NYC ever again. If it took two years to get a building permit on your brownstone reno, you can thank this guy.

Rudy Giuliani For too many reasons to count.
Saggy-Assed Dudes Especially when white. Stop the sag!
Scott Baio Perpetually adolescent actor and star of Scott Baio is 45 and Single.
Smartmom I love Louise but thank god her alter-ego is dead.
Spaghetti-eating subway brawlers


Spike Lee According to Gothamist, “a difficult guy to like. If he’s not whining about Tyler Perry making movies that Lee doesn’t approve of, he’s preaching the word of Brooklyn while simultaneously screwing the hood. And if he’s not doing either of those, he’s typically just acting like an all around jerk.”
Spiky Scion owner Lately of Gowanus.
Steve Guttenberg Even People Magazine thinks he’s embarrassingly bad. “Every relationship in this film seems false. That lack of authenticity is due in large part to lazy acting—none of it worse than that of Guttenberg, who really should have his SAG card revoked.”
Susan Fox Uptight, upright founder of irony-free Park Slope Parentsknow-it-all squasher of civil rights and free press.

The owner of a porsche called “theslope”
The Food Coop members who came up with the name More Hummus, Please.
Tom Otterness Brooklyn sculptorwho once killed a dog for his art.
Tony Danza That talk show! And the Vegas act! And the sit-com with Alyssa Milano!

Tornado Dudes Videographers of the Double Rainbow of Brooklyn.
Victoria Gotti I can’t take much more of this. Mob princess turned author is really a Queens girl but she was born in Brooklyn.
Vito Lopez Brooklyn political machinist and Tammany Hall type.
Walter O’Malley Brooklyn Dodgers owner and most reviled man in borough history, besides Robert Moses.

Well, that took a lot longer than I meant for it to take. Pass it on, peeps!

I’m thinking of doing a list of people who have broken up with Brooklyn next.

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