anthony weiner

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Curing New York’s Sidewalk Rage, One Bare-Assed Tourist At A Time

June 12, 2011 in Manhattan, nudity, Parks and Recreation, tourism | 2 comments

My BFF wants to play tourist with me this week. She is heading down to the big city for some kid-free R&R, which sounds extremely exhausting and possibly horrendous.

Thankfully, she had the good sense to leave me OUT of the Broadway show adventure, because I don’t know if I have another in me. The facebook posting about her desire to take in a show elicited a whopping 33 suggestions from theater geeks of old. Strange that I — who grew up knowing the words to every Broadway show tune ever recorded before 1990 — have developed an irrational aversion to live theater.

by Mark Armstrong

It goes with my unreasonable and growing dislike of tourists, which actually got a scientific diagnosis per Jen Doll of the Village Voice. I have sidewalk rage (aka Pedestrian Aggressiveness Syndrome). I know I know it’s not right. I know it’s not fair. But I still have PTSD from my last trip to Soho and Times Square is enough to bring on the hives.

My inner curmudgeon is crying out in protest… Can’t we just sit on a fucking park bench somewhere? Why does anyone even want to be a NYC tourist?

See attached email below for my itinerary options…

Hey Allie,

Just want to check in with you about Thursday and/or Friday.

Here are some ideas of things I’d like to do. Let me know if you like any of these ideas, or if you have some of your own.

– Metropolitan Museum
– Museum of the City of New York
– Staten Island Ferry & eat at the Bay St Luncheonette/Soda Fountain
– NY Public Library building tour (11am & 2pm, one hour long)

On Thursday I have to go to Times Square to stand in line at TKTS for tix that night. So let me know your thoughts/ideas. Remember I am being a tourist!!!!

Love, Allie

I can’t help but think that all of this sightseeing would be the better for some nudity. It’s been a busy week for naked people in NYC, after all.

There’s the new local bad boy Weiner’s new photo essay on TMZ .

via TMZ

I just read in Gawker on Friday that naked hiking is HUGE in Europe.

photo by Matthias Bein

Lest I leave out… the comeback of maybe mayoral candidate Alec Baldwin’s chewbacca chest.

And why weren’t Weiner and Baldwin invited to be the headliners at this weekend’s postponed 2011 Naked Bike Ride NYC? They wouldn’t have let a little drizzle stop ‘em from manning up for the cause and it might have lifted up Weiner’s flagging spirits.

jaeque's flickr

I have proposed that as an alternative itinerary, we spend the day exploring Queens in the buff. We could pay a visit to Weiner’s coop building and possibly throw mini hot dogs at him. I’ve been wanting to buy saris to make into shades for about a decade now. And I’m dying for some real Korean food.

Just two more fat-assed tourists taking in the sites.

 

 

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Jonathan Safran Foer Is Anthony Weiner’s Soulmate, I Know It

June 9, 2011 in Douchebag Database, Park Slope | 1 comment

Okay, it’s photos like this that make me want to kick Jonathan Safran Foer’s teeth in. From the scarf to the velvet jacket to the expression, he has future sexting scandal written all over him. It’s just too much!!! And I don’t even hate him when I walk by him on Garfield or see him at Connecticut Muffin.

Park Slope’s own vegan auteur and brownstoner makes another misbegotten foray into the interview circuit with an article today at the website Full Stop.

If you’ll recall, over at FIPS we did a memorable interview with Foer for our Profiles in Courage series. Memorable in how very bad it was…

Why do you live in Park Slope?

Probably for the same reasons Oscar the Grouch, Elmo and Big Bird do.

[FOLLOW-UP] Wait, on what basis do you suggest that Sesame Street is in Park Slope? And where are you going with this?

What’s your most favorite thing about Park Slope? Your least favorite?

Favorite thing is the people in my neighborhood: Bob, Maria, Gordon, Mr. Hooper. Nicest people in NY. Least favorite thing is 7th Avenue, which seems to be single-minded about losing all of its character as quickly as possible.

[FOLLOW-UP] You are aware that our audience is made up primarily of adult children, not actual ones, right? Perhaps you didn’t hear that Mr. Hooper has passed and Bob likes small boys (fine, I made that up). Is your point that PS is make-believe or that we are neighborly? Has nobody made fun of your proclivity for ironing your jeans to your face?

Favorite haunt in the hood?

Men’s room of the Grand Army Plaza Public Library. So many good conversations to be had there.

[FOLLOW-UP] Wow, I didn’t see that one coming. What type of conversations?

So, I was interested to read this new interview to catch up with my Sesame Street homie. The opening sentence told me everything I needed to know.

As Jonathan Safran Foer opened his eyes and stared up at the vaulted, 100 year old ceiling of his Park Slope brownstone, he thought, “Today I will not only impress my Jewish mother, but all the Jewish mothers everywhere.”

Oy. Insecure. Conceited. Is this man sending his junk over the Internets already? Forget I asked; I don’t wanna know.

Moving on through a day in JSF’s life, the article continued…

Today he would finally achieve his goal. Today he would put the finishing touches on the project he had been working on in his finished basement for the past 18 months: “Grantiful,” a robot that felt real human sadness and also submitted winning applications for grants.

“We are like aardvarks, sniffing up the anthills of our pasts,” thought Jonathan Safran Foer. “The tears are all the moments we spend alone, writing out letters to our dead loved ones, half-asleep.” But where was his butler?

“Samuels!” cried Jonathan Safran Foer. “Where is my French lentils and root vegetables baked in a phyllo crust served over a carrot cashew cream sauce with rainbow swiss chard and caramelized onions!?” Jonathan Safran Foer ate this every morning, and he was growing hysterical, and felt he was being crushed under all the morally acceptable meals he was not eating.

Okay, I admit it. I’m lost. A paragraph in and I have no fucking idea what these two are talking about. Help me out here: he built a robot butler?

On getting his greatest wish:

Jonathan Safran Foer does not look back on more radical, younger days with a bit of fancy — no, since he was but a child he always wanted to be a nebbish Brooklyn author, who could grace the NY Times Op-ed section on a whim.

That’s it, I don’t know if I can read anymore without barfing. And Samuels hasn’t brought me my breakie and coffee yet.

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Wow, Weiner’s Willy/Wang/Woody/Weenie Woes Worsen.

June 6, 2011 in Douchebag Database, Local Politics, Park Slope, sex and drugs | 5 comments

 

Exponentially!

I swear to god, I thought this whole Weinergate story was a hoax. For one, what a fucking idiot you would have to be for this story to be true. It’s just hard to fathom this kind of stupidity. And if your name happens to be WEINER, it’s just, just, just beyond my limited comprehension.

Right up until Weiner opened his mouth, I was with him—although admittedly relieved that Park Slope does not fall within his district as originally suspected. And, even then, it took a while for the BS detector to fully kick in and the non-denial denials to wear down my faith.

Because, let’s face it, how many male politicians have to get caught with the zipper down before the rest get the idea that this kind of shit NEVER ends well?

Between Arnold, DSK and Spitzer and the wide stance guy and the one who was supposed to be hiking the Appalachian trail, and Clinton, and Newt and, oh yeah, John Edwards, and the Craig’s List Congressman… WHAT NUMBER ARE WE CURRENTLY AT?

Do we really need some sort of poliperv sex scandal clock hung up in Times Square to keep a tally?

And Weiner was fortunate to land the wife he’s got. He’s lucky he’s EVER gotten laid. By the way, didn’t they just get married?

But then came the news today: via Gawker via Radar Online…

Here’s a new picture of a bare-chested Anthony Weiner, which a young woman says he emailed her on May 20, 2011. If you look closely, you can see Weiner and his wife, Huma Abedin, cuddling in a picture in the background.

In addition to this snapshot of Weiner’s toned torso (does Weiner wax?), he allegedly sent the woman the same grey underwear dick pic that appeared on his Twitter account, and another picture that is “extremely graphic, and leaves nothing to the imagination.”

Big Government, which posted the picture, reports that a search for the Yahoo! email address Weiner used to send it brings up a Yahoo! profile that seems to be chock-full of topless pics. You’d think politicians would have put a moratorium on topless sexts, so soon after Rep. Chris Lee was undone by his Craigslist trolling. Is there something inherent to congressmen that make them take shirtless pictures of themselves, or does the office drive them to it? Something to think about as we enter what appears to be a new, terrifying era of topless lawmakers.

Radar Online, meanwhile, reports that another woman claims to have “200 sexually explicit messages from Weiner’s Facebook profile.” Including this one about his hard-on: “It wont go away. and now im taking pics of it. making me harder still.” We’re going to say that Weiner’s story that he’s the victim of a hack is, at best, lacking some pertinent details. Weiner is reportedly scheduled to address the media at 4pm.

Can’t wait to hear that presser. Just a few more questions:

  • Can we blame this on Viagra?
  • Where are the horny women sinners? What’s Madeline Albright been up to????
  • WTF was Weiner thinking?
  • Why, Weiner? Why?

When will they ever learn? When will they eh-ever learn?

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