She’s perfectly nice in real life but from her first FIPS rant, I have hated Bitchy Mom like poison.

It’s almost as profound as my irrational hatred of City Room’s Andy Newman and his tweets about his beloved hawk babies. As a bitch myself, I feel personally affronted because we have to maintain the bar (the proverbial one; not the literal one. Well, maybe that too). This broad lowers the tone, goddamn.

Even when I agree with the general premise, I feel disagreeable. To me, Bitchy Mom is just too much: too boorish, too unbearably judgy, too salacious AND too damn derivative to boot. Perhaps her worst sin of all is that she’s not very funny, just mean. She should be barred from using a photo of Nancy Botwin because she doesn’t deserve to be in her company, even if she is writing about Park Slope moms and their love of pot. I may have to light up one of my medicinal joints just to recover from writing this post.

Most of all, Bitchy Mom’s verbiage makes me “cray-cray.”

Words I never want to hear again: obvsies, totes, bitchez, probs, whatevs, shit-ay, preggers, resto (restaurant or rest of, depending), baber, bebe, bay-bay, Halloweenzies, oopsies, strollz (stroller) and so on and so forth.

I actually thought she didn’t exist for a while but was some imaginary alter-ego breeder cooked up by Erica over at FIPS. And yet, she has that incendiary appeal of Sarah Palin if she lived in greater Park Slope with her boyfriend and bebe.

Things other people have to say about BM:

• Wow… you are the worst part of Fucked in Park Slope. I absolutely hate when you appear on my RSS feed.
• Your opinions are beyond bitchy and move into uncharted realms of stupidity and self-involvement.
• This writer’s style and observations are not up to the standards of this blog. Surely there’s a better writer out there to represent this point of view?
• Wow. Chill with the language there, chick. Jesus.
• Did you have to post that link? I’m going wash my eyes out with Clorox now.
• A douchey, unfair, hyperbolic, poorly written and poorly reasoned post that no one likes because it’s not up to the usual standards of awesomeness that we come here to enjoy.
• If you’re going to be a moron about this, at least get it straight.
• This is a seriously lame and amateurish post. It’s honestly just bad writing and in poor taste and I’m actually someone who reads every post on this blog and cracks up at all of them, but you’ve managed to even offend me.
  
• You’re stupid.
  
• Lame, mean post. I’m all for Fucked, but not mean.
  
• Bitchy Mom’s posts have consistently been over-reaching and trying too hard to sound, well, like Erica. Meh.
  

In fact, just about the only person who actually has anything nice to say about Bitchy Mom? Life coach/manny Anthony of Charismatic Kid who finds BM highlarious. Why am I not surprised?

And yet BM has moments of literary genius-ishness like some select good lines in her Weird Genderless Baby Killing My Buzz post:  ”fruit of their fucked up looms” and “At the tender ages of 5 and 2, Kio and Jazz (!?) are even more interested in gender studies than your now-lesbian college girlfriend” come to mind.

Because I’m a bitch and also I have nothing more urgent to report on this last day of freedom before school’s out for summer, I’ve decided to take an annotated look back at the selected works of Bitchy Mom.

BM’s inaugural post on the scourge (my word) of mini-bugaboos: Worthy subject but not well-executed.  Weird chip on shoulder against, uh, everybody. And poor proofreading skills.

So yesterday I took my kid to the park because I thought he could use a chance to run around after his escape into the bathroom wherein he stuck his hands up to his elbows in toilet water that still had pee in it.

So whatvever.

I went to that park on Berkeley between 4th and 5th Aves. Obvsies, I didn’t want to have to talk to any other moms, so I parked my stroller next to some nannies who i knew weren’t gonna even look at me let alone engange in conversation. One of the nannies’ toddlers had one of those little mini-strollers that they were pushing around. I swear, the sight of all those little kids pushing around those little strollers is enough to make me want to give it all up.

What is wrong with this kids in this neighborhood!? Even the babies are baby obsessed! Kids around here would rather push around a fucking stroller than play on a slide…I don’t get it!? But before I could properly process, I saw the horror of all motherfucking horrors: A MINI BUGABOO!!

This thing was being pushed around proudly all up and down the playground by some 3-year-old future overbearing mommy. I was so shocked and horrified, I needed to find out where someone could even buy one of these things, so I googled that shit the second I got home. And what I found was even more disturbing: some DIY HOW-TO GUIDE on Ohdeedoh on how to build your own mini goddamned Bugaboo.

GAG. ME.

Also, did you know the Danish word for END is SLUT. So like, there are hopscotch courses in Denmark and at the end it will just say SLUT. we should have that here. I know it doesn’t relate, but those parents need to be taught a lesson.

Middle-Aged MILF Breastfeeding In Public Post: Huh? This is not satire; this is a complex of some kind.

Dear Middle Aged MILF sitting next to me at the park:

Look, I breast feed too. I’m all for it. It’s great for the baby, less chance of your kid being fat later in life, WHATEV.  But you and I both know that the reason you have your boob out right now isn’t so that you can feed your what looks to be three year old. It’s so you can flash that hot dad over there a glimpse of your titties. Yeah, just lap it up. No one can judge you or call you a slut. EXCEPT ME!

I’m all for self righteous public breast feeding if the situation calls for it. A quiet corner of a public park? Fine. In the living room with a few good friends who don’t expect it? Hilarious. In a restaurant? FUCK NO. In front of a FILF daddy group? You’re a whore.

Wait what? Your kid is crying again five minutes later? Are you sure he isn’t just tired? Wants ice cream? Is upset cause that other kid took his water balloon?  NOPE, better whip out your boob again, just to make sure.

Also. While you might claim you are still breast feeding your kid so that he can get all those essential nutrients, I think you just want your boobs to stay that big. And girlfriend, I am right there with you. Breast is motherfucking (literally, duh) best.

Pregnant Lady Porn post. Most salacious and make-me-want-to-take-a-shower post ever.

If you’re preggers and wondering what batshit crazy thing to do today, recreate any one of these pics PUH-LEEZ. When I get accidentally knocked up (again) I’m going to force my husband (baby daddy) to pose with me JUST. LIKE. THIS:

Windsor Terrace Ballet Studio Goes Asshole (Vegan) post: When my mild distaste solidified into active dislike.

The Cynthia King Dance Studio on Prospect Ave is turning your kids into douche bags.

Cynthia, a former professional dancer, forces her students to wear cruelty free “vegan” shoes. This cray cray be-atch says that leather ballet slippers don’t “mesh with the beautiful passionate joy” she has for dancing.”

BARF.

You guys, I’M WORRIED. Does Cynthia have a sweat shop full of little tutu-wearing kids sewing silk to hardened tofu or woven wheat grass? OH WAIT, did I say tutu? My bad –– that shit ain’t allowed at Cynthia’s studio. Her students are required to wear leotards and tights only. Any kid that shows up different has to GTFO.

Don’t worry, things get whacker: Cynthia’s studio is decorated with elaborate costumes that dangle from the ceiling above the innocent children dancing below (souvenirs of former victims?)

Cynth explains, “I didn’t come from a normal, peaceful, fairy-tale life.”

OMG. BLACK SWAN ALERT.

Okay, I think I’m done.